The Garbage Truck Law.

For about three weeks now I have been experiencing extreme stress. It's the kind of stress that causes late night sobbing, bitchy remarks at school, and weight loss. I've been nicknamed Scrooge by a few of my friends because I refused to get into the holiday spirit. I guess it started when I realized that my piano recital was in a few weeks, and I had nothing prepared. I have been playing piano for many many years, and with the exception of the first few years, I have hated it the whole time. 8 years later, I still hate it and avoid practicing the piano as much as I can. Of course, when you avoid doing something that you are supposed to present to 50 people, once that presentation time comes along and you have nothing prepared, stress begins to build up. And oh boy, did it build up on me.
Not only was my piano lesson coming around, but I had a midterm in my precalculus class coming up, a class that I am not understanding very well. I have pulled myself together and managed to land myself a B, but it was not easy. The midterm was on material that I couldn't understand, and I found myself growing bitter toward the class. On top of that, I had to take a unit test for my AP world history class and write an essay in 30 minutes with a surprise prompt, once again, covering material I was not overly familiar with. Then of course there's my online Spanish 3 class that I am supposed to be done with by mid-January, of which I have completed a little over a third of since September.
All of this stress just adds on to the already unstable me, and as a result I'm losing weight. I've never had a problem with weight gain or weight loss, and never felt self conscious about the way I am shaped. But as I keep losing weight I have told myself, "You're too skinny. You're too skinny, gain weight. Eat more." I decided today to stop listening to the voice in my head. I'm never going to starve myself to lose weight, or over endulge to gain. I will eat when I am hungry, and I have to allow my body to react the way it will. I want to apologize to anyone I have called fat or skinny. You are who you are and that is something that I just understood today.
My sister came home in the middle of this mess, and unfortunately I have dumped it all on to her. It's like the Garbage Truck Law, which I have tried so hard to avoid. I just couldn't help it, and all of the stress and frustration that I have toward every sideways glance in school, every sarcastic comment from a teacher, every missed piano practice, and every misunderstanding with my closest friends that had all piled up to make one emotional wreck who was ready to burst at any moment. I have slowly been dumping it all on to my family and friends and I've realized that it's not fair. It took me weeks to choose not be stressed, but I'm doing it now. This is a season for giving, and cheer, and spreading happiness, and with this constant feeling of stress hanging over me like a cloud, I can not be giving, or happiness, or cheer.
However I am ready to be.
Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year. Make it a powerful one.
xoxo

A Bit of Nothingness

It's like a lucid dream.
But one you can't wake up from.
Your nerves start dancing but your mind finally knows complete tranquility. The music that used to fill your ears flows through your veins so you can feel every beat, note, and strum. Moments that used to race by now are stuck on pause in a state of lethargy, only caring about floating with the breeze, reminding you that just like hot and cold, time is relative. And everything is all laid out, just waiting to be painted. 

Drop the Judgment.

I've kind of always thought of myself as a judgmental person. I noticed that I had thoughts flying around in my head, but I never did anything about it. "He is so annoying." "Even Satan would hate her." "The devil himself." "Snobby." "Awkward." "Tone deaf." "She's weird."
It was about a week ago when I slipped and said one of these things out loud. I got out of it easily because the girl who the comment was directed at is the kindest girl, and doesn't listen to negative comments. It was in that moment when I realized exactly how judgmental I was. My apologies were accepted, but her forgiveness didn't really help get rid of the feeling of shock. I don't articulate myself well with face to face conversations, so I just stayed quiet for the rest of class, only speaking when it was really necessary, and even then not making direct eye contact. I felt terrible. It was that day after school that I went home and  I thought up a list of as many of the negative things I had thought that day and was sickened to find how long the list was. I say these things everyday about people I care about, and even people who I've never spoken to.
Why do I do this? That's not the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be centered around negativity. It was that day after art class that I decided I was done. I was done disrespecting people. I was done judging people around me and classifying them as, "snobbish", or "controlling." By spending so much energy on disliking people, or going out of my way to find something wrong with someone, I was just making myself unhappy.
As I focus on the good things about people, their creativity, talent, kindness, thoughtfulness, joyful attitudes, and their ability to do what makes them happy, I am recognizing more and more joy in myself.
"I don't want to go to go practice because SHE will be there" turned into, "I made a commitment to be part of this, and so did she. We both really enjoy this. Maybe there will be other things we have in common."
"He doesn't look at me in the halls. He not like me." turned into, "If I see him in the halls today, I'll start a conversation with him."
The thoughts in your head and the choices you make will reflect on whether or not you are happy. If you want to have a happy and full life, it's not hard to make decisions that will allow that.
I still catch myself beginning to say something, or think something less than respectful, and when that happens I replace the negative thing with a good thing. My hope is that eventually, I won't have to make a conscious effort to find something nice about someone, and that the negative comments will be hard to come by.
Judging doesn't do anyone any good, and by dropping judgment I've already noticed I have happier voices in my head.
Have a very merry winter time! 

Wintertimes

Last winter the snow fell a little less than normal downtown. The hills got much more than they needed, but downtown we only saw a few huge dumpings, and then just some light snowfalls. It snowed last night, and this morning I was pleased to find the flakes had stuck. The ground is the same pillowy grey as the sky, and there is a feeling of needing a hot cup of coffee and snuggling with a blanket while reading a book. Or in my case, writing a blog post.
Last winter, times were hard. It was the first holiday season my family would spend without a fully tact group. My dad lived in a little condo that had a beautiful view of the town, the lake, and in the distant you could see the huge hills and mountains I have grown up with. For the first time in years, we had TV reception, so we spent most of our time eating chocolate covered raisins, and watching TLC. The condo had poor heating which gave us an excuse to constantly be dressed in sweats and fluffy socks while swaddled in a blanket. In retrospect, that sounds like heaven. But of course, as my siblings and I were living it, it was less than perfect. We were being juggled by our parents and it wasn't pleasant.
At the same time, my mom was struggling with keeping the house. She searched for a house with an affordable rent, and luckily for her, a family friend was moving out of a house, and the landlords needed a new tenant ASAP. Now she lives in the most darling home. Because we moved in a few days before Christmas, my best memories of the house so far are all winter related. This means the winter time will be even more special when are at her house. The cinnamon smell from the kitchen, the cute new cats, the nice lighting, old fashioned wall paper, and the fact that she completely unpacked everything in time for us to have a nice holiday in her house, all added up to a very lovely, homey house.
Despite the fact that every member of my family was extremely depressed last winter, it was one of the  better holiday seasons I've experienced.  Thanksgiving is coming soon, and with it, Christmas music. This music is unique to all other music, because no matter how many years in a row my family has been stuck with the same CDs, it brings a cheery feeling to my homes.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and a lovely Christmas season.

Serpent Tears

I just want to say thank you to everyone who's emailed me.

I've gotten your emails and I appreciate them. I want to reply but I don't know how....That's my thing. I can talk and talk but my communication skills are not very good. You've reached out to me and told me your stories-that's exactly what I want! I love hearing from you. At first I thought I would keep this as a blog for kids who's parent's are divorcing. But I've not heard from a single kid. Everyone who's emailed me has been an adult and they've told me their stories.

I apologize. I've wanted to reply so badly. But I just don't know how....It's something I'm going to work on.
So keep emailing me. Don't think that I want you to stop just because I haven't replied.

This picture was sent to me from a friend of mine, and it's actually amazing how much it means. (MBA-I've set it as my background so every time I see it I think of you. Thank you.)

Huzaah!

As you may know, last summer my parents split up. I had discovered that my dad was having an affair with a close family friend. This woman was my doctor for years, and I babysat her kids a lot so I trusted her. Well life was a downward spiral of crap after that.
For the first week I slept in a tent outside my house.
In the front of my brain I was thinking:  "It's hot in the house.  I want to see the stars at night. It will be fun."
But I know now that my subconscious was thinking: "I need to get out of the house to escape the chaos. It'll help me organize my thoughts to have an area to myself. I need alone time. etc..."
That's how I dealt with it.

But I've still been carrying around load of crud. Only yesterday I was telling myself I hated my dad for cheating and I hated the woman he cheated with, and that I hated everyone of my friends for any second of time that they spent being disloyal.
So today when I woke up, I was pissed like usual.
Pissed that I was too lazy to clean my sheets so I was sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that my back hurt from sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that our couch was at an angle instead of sitting like a normal couch so you don't slip into the crease where it was folded.
Then I fully woke up and I realized I was just grumpy cause it was early and I hadn't slept much.
So that was when I realized: Wait...then why AM I in a bad mood? Which is when it hit me.
Every morning I wake up unhappy about this one thing in particular and it was only this morning that I realized what it was and what I needed to do to get over it.
Step 1) Recognize the issue.
Issue is that papa cheated. I "hate" her. Mom is dating. I actually like him. This is unfair.

Step 2) Think it over.
I hate her because I was supposed to trust her-she was my doctor and she was a close family friend. She basically said, "Screw that" and tossed it away like it didn't matter. My mom has a boyfriend. He's a very cool dude. I like him. Why do I like him? Well for one thing, my mom didn't leave her marriage for him. Why is this unfair? Because it feels like I'm choosing sides.
HOLD IT!
Choosing sides? Where does that come from? All I'm doing is saying I like one person and that I don't like another. It means nothing about either one of my parents. I need to remember that.

Step 3) Fix it!
I don't hate her. I hate the fact that she betrayed her husband, her kids, the friendship between her and my mom, me, my sister, and my brother. I hate the fact that I gave this woman full disclosure and now I don't trust her.
I hate that instead of trying to make a connection with me and my siblings, she's made sure we can't contact her in any way except in person. If you are going to date someone who has children, you should be making a connection with the kids. Not blocking them on facebook or avoiding eye contact while in a public area.
It's not like I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I want to be best pals with her and have her take me shopping or to go out to lunch or any of that. But it'd be nice if she put in some effort. And I hate the fact that I'm the first one to accept her. It's not like I am suddenly happy she and my dad are seeing each other. I'm not at all pleased about that. I still think she did wrong, and my opinion on the matter will never change.
But knowing that I am no longer going to have an immediate "F**** you" response to even the mention of her name.
I'm moving on cause I'm sick of all the anger, confusion, and hurt.
And now I leave you with a song and a quote. Both have been running through my head and they fit the post nicely.

"Hatred is far too great a burden to bare. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." 

~Coretta Scott King

2011-2012

2011. My Personal Year. of. suck.

There were great times, and there were bad times. Heart wrenching things happened. Not for better or worse, they just happened.
I've been told, "Well, it's a new year, none of that stuff matters anymore." I want to ask them, "Who do you think you are?"
I know. It's rude of me.
"Sophie, you shouldn't get so caught up in it all."
"Sophia, you're so strong, you never worry."
"Sophia, why do you even let it bother you?"
"It's just one year, in the long run it doesn't matter."
These are the things I get told so often. I shove those words away because, while they are trying to comfort me, it doesn't help. I almost find it insulting. What do you mean I shouldn't get caught up in it all? It's my life, my family. These are problems that I can't ignore.
I'm not going to say I'm not strong. I know I am. But If I am so strong, why is it never put out of my head? I worry all the time. I've met you like..twice[the person who's said that that to me], so how could you know if I am worry free?
This last one, while partly true, is baloney. Yes in the long run, one year's activities won't be remembered forever. But to say that it doesn't matter? You're kidding yourself.
Every year, month, week, day, second matter of your life. Whether its' a glace at a stranger, a meal with friends, a meal by yourself, a laugh, a cry, scream or a shout, it all matters. Don't tell me that when my parent's get a divorce it doesn't matter. So far it's the biggest thing that's happened in my life.
It might hurt, but it's not something I'll ever try to forget. It's been half a year since my parents split and I've already learned so much about myself that I didn't know before. If my parent's hadn't broken up, I wouldn't be this same girl.  2011 mattered, even in the long run.

2012 is going to be a full year. Not full as in busy, but full of life. This coming year will be difficult. We'll all get angry, and we'll all be excited. We'll be sad, and joyful, friendly, and distant throughout the year.

This year I am going to make New years resolutions and a Bucket list. I'm going to find awesome music and I won't stop listening to it. It makes me happy. I'm going to write like crazy, and paint lots. I'm going to do what I like to do, and just live more. I'm 14 years old, but I'm ready to live. It doesn't matter your age. This year, I challenge you to live.

So, go out and have a marvelous New Year. And a very full year.