For about three weeks now I have been experiencing extreme stress. It's the kind of stress that causes late night sobbing, bitchy remarks at school, and weight loss. I've been nicknamed Scrooge by a few of my friends because I refused to get into the holiday spirit. I guess it started when I realized that my piano recital was in a few weeks, and I had nothing prepared. I have been playing piano for many many years, and with the exception of the first few years, I have hated it the whole time. 8 years later, I still hate it and avoid practicing the piano as much as I can. Of course, when you avoid doing something that you are supposed to present to 50 people, once that presentation time comes along and you have nothing prepared, stress begins to build up. And oh boy, did it build up on me.
Not only was my piano lesson coming around, but I had a midterm in my precalculus class coming up, a class that I am not understanding very well. I have pulled myself together and managed to land myself a B, but it was not easy. The midterm was on material that I couldn't understand, and I found myself growing bitter toward the class. On top of that, I had to take a unit test for my AP world history class and write an essay in 30 minutes with a surprise prompt, once again, covering material I was not overly familiar with. Then of course there's my online Spanish 3 class that I am supposed to be done with by mid-January, of which I have completed a little over a third of since September.
All of this stress just adds on to the already unstable me, and as a result I'm losing weight. I've never had a problem with weight gain or weight loss, and never felt self conscious about the way I am shaped. But as I keep losing weight I have told myself, "You're too skinny. You're too skinny, gain weight. Eat more." I decided today to stop listening to the voice in my head. I'm never going to starve myself to lose weight, or over endulge to gain. I will eat when I am hungry, and I have to allow my body to react the way it will. I want to apologize to anyone I have called fat or skinny. You are who you are and that is something that I just understood today.
My sister came home in the middle of this mess, and unfortunately I have dumped it all on to her. It's like the Garbage Truck Law, which I have tried so hard to avoid. I just couldn't help it, and all of the stress and frustration that I have toward every sideways glance in school, every sarcastic comment from a teacher, every missed piano practice, and every misunderstanding with my closest friends that had all piled up to make one emotional wreck who was ready to burst at any moment. I have slowly been dumping it all on to my family and friends and I've realized that it's not fair. It took me weeks to choose not be stressed, but I'm doing it now. This is a season for giving, and cheer, and spreading happiness, and with this constant feeling of stress hanging over me like a cloud, I can not be giving, or happiness, or cheer.
However I am ready to be.
Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year. Make it a powerful one.
xoxo
Not only was my piano lesson coming around, but I had a midterm in my precalculus class coming up, a class that I am not understanding very well. I have pulled myself together and managed to land myself a B, but it was not easy. The midterm was on material that I couldn't understand, and I found myself growing bitter toward the class. On top of that, I had to take a unit test for my AP world history class and write an essay in 30 minutes with a surprise prompt, once again, covering material I was not overly familiar with. Then of course there's my online Spanish 3 class that I am supposed to be done with by mid-January, of which I have completed a little over a third of since September.
All of this stress just adds on to the already unstable me, and as a result I'm losing weight. I've never had a problem with weight gain or weight loss, and never felt self conscious about the way I am shaped. But as I keep losing weight I have told myself, "You're too skinny. You're too skinny, gain weight. Eat more." I decided today to stop listening to the voice in my head. I'm never going to starve myself to lose weight, or over endulge to gain. I will eat when I am hungry, and I have to allow my body to react the way it will. I want to apologize to anyone I have called fat or skinny. You are who you are and that is something that I just understood today.
My sister came home in the middle of this mess, and unfortunately I have dumped it all on to her. It's like the Garbage Truck Law, which I have tried so hard to avoid. I just couldn't help it, and all of the stress and frustration that I have toward every sideways glance in school, every sarcastic comment from a teacher, every missed piano practice, and every misunderstanding with my closest friends that had all piled up to make one emotional wreck who was ready to burst at any moment. I have slowly been dumping it all on to my family and friends and I've realized that it's not fair. It took me weeks to choose not be stressed, but I'm doing it now. This is a season for giving, and cheer, and spreading happiness, and with this constant feeling of stress hanging over me like a cloud, I can not be giving, or happiness, or cheer.
However I am ready to be.
Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year. Make it a powerful one.
xoxo
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