As you may know, last summer my parents split up. I had discovered that my dad was having an affair with a close family friend. This woman was my doctor for years, and I babysat her kids a lot so I trusted her. Well life was a downward spiral of crap after that.
For the first week I slept in a tent outside my house.
In the front of my brain I was thinking: "It's hot in the house. I want to see the stars at night. It will be fun."
But I know now that my subconscious was thinking: "I need to get out of the house to escape the chaos. It'll help me organize my thoughts to have an area to myself. I need alone time. etc..."
That's how I dealt with it.
But I've still been carrying around load of crud. Only yesterday I was telling myself I hated my dad for cheating and I hated the woman he cheated with, and that I hated everyone of my friends for any second of time that they spent being disloyal.
So today when I woke up, I was pissed like usual.
Pissed that I was too lazy to clean my sheets so I was sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that my back hurt from sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that our couch was at an angle instead of sitting like a normal couch so you don't slip into the crease where it was folded.
Then I fully woke up and I realized I was just grumpy cause it was early and I hadn't slept much.
So that was when I realized: Wait...then why AM I in a bad mood? Which is when it hit me.
Every morning I wake up unhappy about this one thing in particular and it was only this morning that I realized what it was and what I needed to do to get over it.
Step 1) Recognize the issue.
Issue is that papa cheated. I "hate" her. Mom is dating. I actually like him. This is unfair.
Step 2) Think it over.
I hate her because I was supposed to trust her-she was my doctor and she was a close family friend. She basically said, "Screw that" and tossed it away like it didn't matter. My mom has a boyfriend. He's a very cool dude. I like him. Why do I like him? Well for one thing, my mom didn't leave her marriage for him. Why is this unfair? Because it feels like I'm choosing sides.
HOLD IT!
Choosing sides? Where does that come from? All I'm doing is saying I like one person and that I don't like another. It means nothing about either one of my parents. I need to remember that.
Step 3) Fix it!
I don't hate her. I hate the fact that she betrayed her husband, her kids, the friendship between her and my mom, me, my sister, and my brother. I hate the fact that I gave this woman full disclosure and now I don't trust her.
I hate that instead of trying to make a connection with me and my siblings, she's made sure we can't contact her in any way except in person. If you are going to date someone who has children, you should be making a connection with the kids. Not blocking them on facebook or avoiding eye contact while in a public area.
It's not like I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I want to be best pals with her and have her take me shopping or to go out to lunch or any of that. But it'd be nice if she put in some effort. And I hate the fact that I'm the first one to accept her. It's not like I am suddenly happy she and my dad are seeing each other. I'm not at all pleased about that. I still think she did wrong, and my opinion on the matter will never change.
But knowing that I am no longer going to have an immediate "F**** you" response to even the mention of her name.
I'm moving on cause I'm sick of all the anger, confusion, and hurt.
And now I leave you with a song and a quote. Both have been running through my head and they fit the post nicely.
For the first week I slept in a tent outside my house.
In the front of my brain I was thinking: "It's hot in the house. I want to see the stars at night. It will be fun."
But I know now that my subconscious was thinking: "I need to get out of the house to escape the chaos. It'll help me organize my thoughts to have an area to myself. I need alone time. etc..."
That's how I dealt with it.
But I've still been carrying around load of crud. Only yesterday I was telling myself I hated my dad for cheating and I hated the woman he cheated with, and that I hated everyone of my friends for any second of time that they spent being disloyal.
So today when I woke up, I was pissed like usual.
Pissed that I was too lazy to clean my sheets so I was sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that my back hurt from sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that our couch was at an angle instead of sitting like a normal couch so you don't slip into the crease where it was folded.
Then I fully woke up and I realized I was just grumpy cause it was early and I hadn't slept much.
So that was when I realized: Wait...then why AM I in a bad mood? Which is when it hit me.
Every morning I wake up unhappy about this one thing in particular and it was only this morning that I realized what it was and what I needed to do to get over it.
Step 1) Recognize the issue.
Issue is that papa cheated. I "hate" her. Mom is dating. I actually like him. This is unfair.
Step 2) Think it over.
I hate her because I was supposed to trust her-she was my doctor and she was a close family friend. She basically said, "Screw that" and tossed it away like it didn't matter. My mom has a boyfriend. He's a very cool dude. I like him. Why do I like him? Well for one thing, my mom didn't leave her marriage for him. Why is this unfair? Because it feels like I'm choosing sides.
HOLD IT!
Choosing sides? Where does that come from? All I'm doing is saying I like one person and that I don't like another. It means nothing about either one of my parents. I need to remember that.
Step 3) Fix it!
I don't hate her. I hate the fact that she betrayed her husband, her kids, the friendship between her and my mom, me, my sister, and my brother. I hate the fact that I gave this woman full disclosure and now I don't trust her.
I hate that instead of trying to make a connection with me and my siblings, she's made sure we can't contact her in any way except in person. If you are going to date someone who has children, you should be making a connection with the kids. Not blocking them on facebook or avoiding eye contact while in a public area.
It's not like I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I want to be best pals with her and have her take me shopping or to go out to lunch or any of that. But it'd be nice if she put in some effort. And I hate the fact that I'm the first one to accept her. It's not like I am suddenly happy she and my dad are seeing each other. I'm not at all pleased about that. I still think she did wrong, and my opinion on the matter will never change.
But knowing that I am no longer going to have an immediate "F**** you" response to even the mention of her name.
I'm moving on cause I'm sick of all the anger, confusion, and hurt.
And now I leave you with a song and a quote. Both have been running through my head and they fit the post nicely.
"Hatred is far too great a burden to bare. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated."
~Coretta Scott King
