Wintertimes

Last winter the snow fell a little less than normal downtown. The hills got much more than they needed, but downtown we only saw a few huge dumpings, and then just some light snowfalls. It snowed last night, and this morning I was pleased to find the flakes had stuck. The ground is the same pillowy grey as the sky, and there is a feeling of needing a hot cup of coffee and snuggling with a blanket while reading a book. Or in my case, writing a blog post.
Last winter, times were hard. It was the first holiday season my family would spend without a fully tact group. My dad lived in a little condo that had a beautiful view of the town, the lake, and in the distant you could see the huge hills and mountains I have grown up with. For the first time in years, we had TV reception, so we spent most of our time eating chocolate covered raisins, and watching TLC. The condo had poor heating which gave us an excuse to constantly be dressed in sweats and fluffy socks while swaddled in a blanket. In retrospect, that sounds like heaven. But of course, as my siblings and I were living it, it was less than perfect. We were being juggled by our parents and it wasn't pleasant.
At the same time, my mom was struggling with keeping the house. She searched for a house with an affordable rent, and luckily for her, a family friend was moving out of a house, and the landlords needed a new tenant ASAP. Now she lives in the most darling home. Because we moved in a few days before Christmas, my best memories of the house so far are all winter related. This means the winter time will be even more special when are at her house. The cinnamon smell from the kitchen, the cute new cats, the nice lighting, old fashioned wall paper, and the fact that she completely unpacked everything in time for us to have a nice holiday in her house, all added up to a very lovely, homey house.
Despite the fact that every member of my family was extremely depressed last winter, it was one of the  better holiday seasons I've experienced.  Thanksgiving is coming soon, and with it, Christmas music. This music is unique to all other music, because no matter how many years in a row my family has been stuck with the same CDs, it brings a cheery feeling to my homes.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and a lovely Christmas season.

Serpent Tears

I just want to say thank you to everyone who's emailed me.

I've gotten your emails and I appreciate them. I want to reply but I don't know how....That's my thing. I can talk and talk but my communication skills are not very good. You've reached out to me and told me your stories-that's exactly what I want! I love hearing from you. At first I thought I would keep this as a blog for kids who's parent's are divorcing. But I've not heard from a single kid. Everyone who's emailed me has been an adult and they've told me their stories.

I apologize. I've wanted to reply so badly. But I just don't know how....It's something I'm going to work on.
So keep emailing me. Don't think that I want you to stop just because I haven't replied.

This picture was sent to me from a friend of mine, and it's actually amazing how much it means. (MBA-I've set it as my background so every time I see it I think of you. Thank you.)

Huzaah!

As you may know, last summer my parents split up. I had discovered that my dad was having an affair with a close family friend. This woman was my doctor for years, and I babysat her kids a lot so I trusted her. Well life was a downward spiral of crap after that.
For the first week I slept in a tent outside my house.
In the front of my brain I was thinking:  "It's hot in the house.  I want to see the stars at night. It will be fun."
But I know now that my subconscious was thinking: "I need to get out of the house to escape the chaos. It'll help me organize my thoughts to have an area to myself. I need alone time. etc..."
That's how I dealt with it.

But I've still been carrying around load of crud. Only yesterday I was telling myself I hated my dad for cheating and I hated the woman he cheated with, and that I hated everyone of my friends for any second of time that they spent being disloyal.
So today when I woke up, I was pissed like usual.
Pissed that I was too lazy to clean my sheets so I was sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that my back hurt from sleeping on the couch.
Pissed that our couch was at an angle instead of sitting like a normal couch so you don't slip into the crease where it was folded.
Then I fully woke up and I realized I was just grumpy cause it was early and I hadn't slept much.
So that was when I realized: Wait...then why AM I in a bad mood? Which is when it hit me.
Every morning I wake up unhappy about this one thing in particular and it was only this morning that I realized what it was and what I needed to do to get over it.
Step 1) Recognize the issue.
Issue is that papa cheated. I "hate" her. Mom is dating. I actually like him. This is unfair.

Step 2) Think it over.
I hate her because I was supposed to trust her-she was my doctor and she was a close family friend. She basically said, "Screw that" and tossed it away like it didn't matter. My mom has a boyfriend. He's a very cool dude. I like him. Why do I like him? Well for one thing, my mom didn't leave her marriage for him. Why is this unfair? Because it feels like I'm choosing sides.
HOLD IT!
Choosing sides? Where does that come from? All I'm doing is saying I like one person and that I don't like another. It means nothing about either one of my parents. I need to remember that.

Step 3) Fix it!
I don't hate her. I hate the fact that she betrayed her husband, her kids, the friendship between her and my mom, me, my sister, and my brother. I hate the fact that I gave this woman full disclosure and now I don't trust her.
I hate that instead of trying to make a connection with me and my siblings, she's made sure we can't contact her in any way except in person. If you are going to date someone who has children, you should be making a connection with the kids. Not blocking them on facebook or avoiding eye contact while in a public area.
It's not like I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I want to be best pals with her and have her take me shopping or to go out to lunch or any of that. But it'd be nice if she put in some effort. And I hate the fact that I'm the first one to accept her. It's not like I am suddenly happy she and my dad are seeing each other. I'm not at all pleased about that. I still think she did wrong, and my opinion on the matter will never change.
But knowing that I am no longer going to have an immediate "F**** you" response to even the mention of her name.
I'm moving on cause I'm sick of all the anger, confusion, and hurt.
And now I leave you with a song and a quote. Both have been running through my head and they fit the post nicely.

"Hatred is far too great a burden to bare. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." 

~Coretta Scott King

2011-2012

2011. My Personal Year. of. suck.

There were great times, and there were bad times. Heart wrenching things happened. Not for better or worse, they just happened.
I've been told, "Well, it's a new year, none of that stuff matters anymore." I want to ask them, "Who do you think you are?"
I know. It's rude of me.
"Sophie, you shouldn't get so caught up in it all."
"Sophia, you're so strong, you never worry."
"Sophia, why do you even let it bother you?"
"It's just one year, in the long run it doesn't matter."
These are the things I get told so often. I shove those words away because, while they are trying to comfort me, it doesn't help. I almost find it insulting. What do you mean I shouldn't get caught up in it all? It's my life, my family. These are problems that I can't ignore.
I'm not going to say I'm not strong. I know I am. But If I am so strong, why is it never put out of my head? I worry all the time. I've met you like..twice[the person who's said that that to me], so how could you know if I am worry free?
This last one, while partly true, is baloney. Yes in the long run, one year's activities won't be remembered forever. But to say that it doesn't matter? You're kidding yourself.
Every year, month, week, day, second matter of your life. Whether its' a glace at a stranger, a meal with friends, a meal by yourself, a laugh, a cry, scream or a shout, it all matters. Don't tell me that when my parent's get a divorce it doesn't matter. So far it's the biggest thing that's happened in my life.
It might hurt, but it's not something I'll ever try to forget. It's been half a year since my parents split and I've already learned so much about myself that I didn't know before. If my parent's hadn't broken up, I wouldn't be this same girl.  2011 mattered, even in the long run.

2012 is going to be a full year. Not full as in busy, but full of life. This coming year will be difficult. We'll all get angry, and we'll all be excited. We'll be sad, and joyful, friendly, and distant throughout the year.

This year I am going to make New years resolutions and a Bucket list. I'm going to find awesome music and I won't stop listening to it. It makes me happy. I'm going to write like crazy, and paint lots. I'm going to do what I like to do, and just live more. I'm 14 years old, but I'm ready to live. It doesn't matter your age. This year, I challenge you to live.

So, go out and have a marvelous New Year. And a very full year.

Finding Joy

This happened a while ago, but I'm still really inspired by it. :) I posted it on my other blog, So Write, a few weeks ago.

Today I went to school. I was expecting the usual; being bored out of my mind, avoiding tripping over the other students in the crammed hallways, teachers yelling to get our attention. I didn't know we were having a guest speaker talk to us about the Columbine Highschool Incident in '99.
I hadn't ever heard the story before, and it was unbelievable. By the end of the 2 hour presentation, everyone was in tears. I don't want to get into it, because I've only heard the story once, I'm afraid I might get it wrong. But I'll leave a few links on where you can find out more about what happened, and the story of Rachel Joy Scott's life.
There are a few guys at our school who act super tough. They're the ones who pick on people the most. They were the ones who were touched the most by Rachel's story. It was an incredible experience.
I was also nominated in my advisory to go to an extra session with two other people from each of the advisories at the school. There were about 60 people crammed in the library, after the main assembly. The speaker didn't focus so much on the violence, but more on Rachel's life story. How she affected those around her-the ones who didn't treat her with respect, the ones she met once, the ones she didn't know, the one's who were her close friends and family-all of them. They were all affected by Rachel's story.
In the smaller session, we had a few students stand up and share with the rest of us their personal story. Lots of people were crying, lots of people were silent. Everyone was thinking about Rachel.
Rachel was all about being kind, and reaching out to others.
By the end of the day, we all walked to our last classes feeling more confident, with more goals, with more self knowledge, and more joy. It seems odd that I could've found joy from her story. But I did. Her way of life was so amazing. She wanted to know people, and help people. And she didn't just want to do it, she did do it. Every minute of every day that's what she did. It was so inspiring. And the stories that my fellow classmates told were so touching. We all felt safe crying together, no one was laughing at us for doing so. We were comforting each other, and being each other's Rachel's.
It was amazing.
I've just finished making cupcakes, because I am happy, and baking makes my happiness last, I've found. I'll post a picture eventually, but I don't have it on my computer at the moment.
Click the links, and read up on Rachel Scott, and Rachel's Challenge. It will change your life. I promise.
http://rachelschallenge.org/
http://www.facebook.com/pages/In-Memory-of-Rachel-Joy-Scott/189023856889?sk=wall
http://www.facebook.com/rachelschallenge
http://twitter.com/#!/RachelsChalleng

And here's the cupcake recipe: http://betweenfactandfiction.blogspot.com/2011/08/happy-writers-lime-cupcakes-for.html

On a Rainy Day

I wrote this a few days ago and posted it on my other blog, So Write. Now I'm sharing it with you. 

Right this second I want to be somewhere rainy, and cold, and Far Far Far away from this town, and my life.
I want to make tea for myself, and get out my journal and my computer and have time to myself to write.


I don't want to have to go to school tomorrow. Running a mile is not something I feel like doing at this time. Doing math does not sound appealing. Studying mnemonics does seem boring and uninteresting.
What I want to do is go somewhere I've never been, and write. I could write anything right now, but I'd really love to finish my book. I know I'm not yet half way done with the first draft, but once I'm finished with it, I'll feel so much better.



I told someone this, and they said, "You're just depressed."
No, I'm not depressed. I'm fed up. At this moment, It's time for me to have a little while to myself without having discussions about astrology, geometry, weight lifting, or solfege notes.

Right now, I need to be somewhere where It's quiet, and peaceful, and I don't have to worry about having an awkward conversation about how long I'll stay at each parent's house.


I want to be somewhere wet, clean, and alone. To get away from my life for a while, and just WRITE.
I desire a different setting right now. That is all.

I'm Not Taking My Own Advice In This Post....

Just catching you up. I posted this a while ago on my other blog, So Write.

Tonight, I am going to an art show. The Confluence Art Walk to be exact. I've never heard of them, but a friend of mine is hosting, and so we are going. I can't wait! Every time I see any art, I get a sense of respect for....everything. I'm making it sound corny, which is not my intention.
It's like I realize that they spent so long  on that piece of work.
A lot of artists think it's not just right, that it's not good enough, and we'll work and work to get it the way we want. Not everyone will like our finished products. A lot will. But we don't let that get in our way.
We keep sculpting, or painting, or writing or what ever it is we do and don't let others' opinions define us. This doesn't mean we don't care what other people think, it just means we know what makes us happy, and how we like to express our emotions.
I honesty believe that everyone is an artist(If my sister is reading this, Naomi, I apologize for the corniness. At least it's not as bad as Beauty and the Beast) no matter what they do it. If they're a constructor, a painter, a designer, a knitter, a baker, a writer, or really anything, it's a form of art.
And as if this cheesy enough, here's what I'm trying to get at.
You are wonderful. You're talented. You don't have to care what the other people think about you, as long as you know who you are, and what do what you love. Don't go the extra mile just to please other people. If you do something you really love, someone out there will really love it, just like you.
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life. Define yourself.” ~Harvey Fierstein